Body-positivity is all about self-acceptance that’s free of judgment. The movement is gaining some serious momentum, especially on social media.
But unfortunately, many people still say the wrong things to women about how they look both online and in person.
However, experts agree that women’s bodies should not be up for public discussion.
INSIDER spoke with Renee Engeln, a psychology professor at Northwestern University and the author of “Beauty Sick: How the Cultural Obsession with Appearance Hurts Girls and Women,” andMichelle Elman, a body confidence coach, about why commenting on women’s bodies can be problematic.
Engeln and Elman believe that certain things should never be said about women’s bodies. Here are some examples to stay well away from.
NEVER COMMENT ON A PERSON’S WEIGHT.
Commenting on a coworker or friend’s recent weight loss might seem harmless, but it can carry implications of body-shaming.
“First of all, even if someone has gained or lost noticeable weight, you have no idea why,” Engeln told INSIDER. “You don’t know if they’ve been sick, you don’t know if they have an eating disorder, you don’t know if they have a lot of stress in their life.”
She said that complimenting someone on their weight loss implies that you thought they didn’t look good before they lost weight, which is harmful.
In general, Engeln said that talking about a person’s weight is not productive.
“We actually have a lot of other things to talk about. I think it’s just habit that when we talk about women we talk about how they look,” she said. “Most women are already very aware of how they look, so we don’t need help thinking about it more.”
DON’T COMMENT ON SOMEONE’S UNIQUE FEATURES.
You never know how someone feels about a part of their body, and calling attention to it could make them uncomfortable.
“I can see why this is tempting. Interesting features draw our attention. When our attention is on something, we often want to comment on it,” Engeln said. “However, you have no idea how that person feels about that mark on their body or what kind of story underlies it.”
NEVER ASK A WOMAN IF SHE’S PREGNANT.
“If a woman wants to talk about a pregnancy with you, she will. Otherwise, it’s not really any of your business,” Engeln said. “You might have to put a woman in a position where she has to confirm something she’s not ready to confirm or to talk about something she’s not ready to talk about yet.”
Furthermore, if you’re making that assumption based on appearance alone, it could be extremely offensive.
Elman believes commenting on a women’s weight is not body-positive.
“You rarely know the context of a situation when commenting on a person’s body,” she told INSIDER. “Therefore a lot of comments, particularly body-shaming ones are made from assumptions about a person’s well-being and health.”
DON’T ASK A WOMAN IF SHE’S TIRED OR SICK BASED ON HOW SHE LOOKS.
Asking someone if they’re sick or tired might seem empathetic, but doing so actually has judgmental undertones. Often, when women are asked this it’s simply because they’re not wearing makeup.
“I hear people say, ‘Well, women don’t have to wear makeup, it’s a choice’ all the time,” Engeln said. “Well, it doesn’t feel like such a choice if the first time you don’t wear it everyone says, ‘Are you tired? Are you sick? Is there something wrong with you?'”
Engeln said there’s no reason to talk about whether or not a woman is wearing makeup. “There are other ways to relate to women besides talking about how they look,” she said.
BE CAREFUL ABOUT COMPLIMENTING A WOMAN’S APPEARANCE.
“A lot of women don’t want to feel like people are constantly evaluating their appearance, especially at work. When you say ‘oh you look good today,’ that can make people uncomfortable,” Engeln said. “When you comment on how women look, even if it’s a compliment, you’re still feeding into the culture that say she should always be focused on how women look.”
Positively commenting on a woman’s appearance can actually have a negative impact.
“When you compliment someone on their appearance when they are dressed nice, did their hair and makeup you’re saying ‘the thing we appreciate about you is that you spent a lot of time and money on how you look,'” Engeln said.
However, she knows some people don’t agree with her about this.
Elman is one of those people.
“If you want to comment on a woman’s body in a complimentary way, that is different – although you should bear in mind that a compliment to you might not be a compliment to everyone else,” Elman said. “I do not think it’s harmful to compliment women on their body, but, obviously, it depends on the situation and if it is appropriate.”
That said, Engeln offered suggestions on what to compliment women on.
“If you want to compliment a woman, compliment her when she’s happy, whens she’s engaged, or when she’s doing something that’s important to her and note that you can see that,” she said. “That’s a lot more important.”
